Notes on PTSD

Notes on PTSD

I was asked “How has PTSD changed my views about myself”?

How indeed? In the beginnings I learned to trust less, doubt more, and hide from trouble and confusion.

I became less confident in my choices, in my abilities, my art, and my love.

I learned to be stronger in myself over time, until the next trauma knocked me down again.

Pulling myself back up time after time, dusting myself back off (frayed around the edges and missing pieces of my heart), putting one proverbial and physical foot in front of the other, I search continuously for the “right” way to go, and the “rightness” of new choices.

Some days I feel like a wise old sage… Others days are spent teetering on the edge of a dark abyss. Life is full of history, mystery, and presents.

I feel lazy, like a slug, a couch potato, and yet I feel too busy to think. I am the calm eye in the center of the storm, while also being the circling howling frantic winds of the hurricane.

I am strong and capable…

I am weak and hopeless…

I fear nothing, and yet stand shaking with terror.

My thoughts swirl in a metaphorical whirlpool, disappear into nothingness, and become calm and empty.

And then, add all this to the diagnosis of ADD, and sometimes it is hard to take a step forward out of fear,

but then I barge ahead like a bull in a china closet knocking over anything in my path.

Am I coming or going, or simply standing still? I’ve always been on the move jumping from subject to subject and place to place, until recently.

In the here and now, I find myself in this new place of holding still, being quiet, waiting for the winds of Heaven to dance through my soul and show me a path. 

I am Human. I am Woman.

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LIfe is an everchanging Process

No matter what life throws our way

we can overcome

endure

and even move forward.  

At times the moments can be full of shadows

and hurt, 

but go around that next corner

and the LIght returns

to brighten your 

Day. 

What we do with that light

is up to each of us.

We can hide it in our proverbial closets

and try to keep it all for ourselves…. 

but it slips away. 

We can shine the light out from 

our hearts

for others to find their way, 

and it returns 

brighter.

Our choice.  Move

Forward into that LIght!  Let it fill the hearts of others

so that they may shine for you 

in dark times.

Together, spirits shining, move 

Forward into that Light, 

Together.

Give Thanks.

     ~darlisa black August 16, 2014

Road to Mount Rainer

Road to Mount Rainer

Waterfall: Which one do you like best?

I would love your feedback on the waterfalls… something I have not practiced as much as clouds 🙂  Your preference and why, and any tips you would like to share.

One is shot with a 1.3 sec,  shutter speed at f22 and processed softly, the second one is shot with shutter speed of 1/5 at f11 and processed with stronger contrasts.

shot at f22, 1.3 seconds at ISO 100

shot at f22, 1.3 seconds at ISO 100

shot at f11, 1/5 seconds at ISO 100

shot at f11, 1/5 seconds at ISO 100

BREATH OF LIFE

Lewis River, famous for it green color, was a home every summer in my growing up years.  I can feel the presence of my loved ones in this magical place.

Lewis River, famous for it green color, was a home every summer in my growing up years. I can feel the presence of my loved ones in this magical place.

BREATH OF LIFE

Breath of life, wash through my body

as I walk besides this sacred stream…

Father and Mother nearby,

I feel them in the smell of the forest,

in the dark of the deep cave…

they are in the water cascading down the mountainside,

in the fish that leap and glide…

their presence warms my heart

I lay upon the freshly wet forest duff..

Their love wraps itself around me like the softest blanket

as I give my tears to the earth…

and send my prayers on wings to the Creator.

Ancient Cedars carry my heart upwards

as the sap rises in the spring, and oh the smell!

Fresh pine gum fills my mouth with the tangy aroma of life,

as I sense my mother’s presence, she

who taught me to chew the delightful gum.

Sounds of the forest catch my attention,

and I remember my dad teaching me to track thru snow…

be alert, always scanning to the front and back

between quick glances at the ground.

A magical place, a sacred space,

not far from home,

yet in another world.

I follow the creek up over waterfalls

and around boulders and logs.

Rich yellow green mosses carpet rocks and soil

in an enticing paradise,

illuminated by spirit, refreshing the soul.

Sacred place,  mystical space….

the burdens of the heart melt deep

into accepting earth,

draining away with my tears into the ground.

Slowly, new life creeps up from the Mother,

infuses the cells of my body with vibrant life energy,

and replaces the pain with joy…

A prayer bursts forth with passion,

Crying to my Father above for release;

a prayer of hope,

a prayer of faith.

As I sit up, reborn from the water of the forest,

I give thanks with all my heart.

The Lord’s Prayer comes to my lips, not as a rote piece,

but full of meaning and life, color and depth…

… each phrase complete

each word from the heart.

I dip my hands into the blessed water

and wash my pain away.

A new life has begun.

~Darlisa~   3/21/05

Mother enjoying her favorite campground where we spent every summer deep in the mountains on the Lewis River ~ Nina Black, born May 18, 1913; died November 7, 2003

Mother enjoying her favorite campground where we spent every summer deep in the mountains on the Lewis River
~ Nina Black, born May 18, 1913; died November 7, 2003